Another Quick Update

When you are living with and caring for

Someone with mental health issues

As well as cognitive disabilities

Every day can be a challenge

You never know what the next phone call will bring

Well,

Friday afternoon I received just one of those phone calls

From the Phoenix Fire Department

Madi is in the hospital again

I am hoping this will be a shorter stay than the last one

And praying that the doctor can get a handle

On Madi's medication needs

I know I keep asking for Prayer

But in the case

That is the only thing any of us can do

Believing that God will intervene and

Madi will become the healthy person I've always known

Praying

Trusting

Believing

Update on Madi

Oh how thankful I have been

To know you were and are praying for Madi

Madi is home after 11 days in patient

She is exhausted, which is understandable

She is now on several medications

Which she has never been on before

So, that will take some getting used to

At the moment the diagnosis is:

Severe depression with psychotic features

Honestly, I'm not positive what that means

But the medication seems to be helping

And I'm Thankful

We have a list of appointments to go to

Over the next couple of weeks

But at this point

Her attitude is much better

With smiles and a sparkle in her eyes

Thank you for your prayers

May they continue as we settle in

For the next phase of treatment

You are my Hero's

And I won't forget your support

Blessings

Contemplation

CONTEMPLATION

The act of thinking deeply about something

This is one of my favorite photos

Of Matthew from about 4 years ago

We had just gone up north to

The Tonto National Forrest

And walked along the natural bridge

It had only been 10 months since Mark's passing

It was a healing and good day

When we got home

I took a few photos of him with my new camera

I was just playing around at the kitchen counter

He was so contemplative

I know what we had been talking about

And where his mind was

But now

I wonder about all he has held

Tightly in his thoughts for so many years

It's been a challenge

These days since September 21, 2015

Confusion seems to be my constant companion

Contemplation is where I am stuck

Thinking about life

How we arrived at this place

At this time

On this journey

I have yet to cry

A new friend suggested today

That I may still just be angry

I've yet to really feel the impact of Madi's choices

Maybe she is correct

Held tightly within me

A churning volcano ready to erupt

Deep within the bowels of my broken heart

 Steam just beginning to rise to the surface

Yes, anger is real

How do I navigate all that has been placed before me

How do I reconcile my reality and hers

To these questions

I have no answers

Yet, I will write this:

From this point forward

In an attempt to honor Madi's choices

Matthew will be known as Madi

And I will 'attempt' to use female pronouns when referring to her

For this I beg God's Grace

And your Prayers

 

Adoption and God's Love

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8 (NASB)

It is not without apprehension that I begin this new blog. 

It's writings will be raw and leave me vulnerable to criticism and questioning. 

Yet, my heart is filled with it's own questions, seeking answers that may never come.

Therefore, tonight I begin with a bit of background, a peek into God's love and a story that began on the side of a landfill in the spring of 1985.

For it was there, sitting in a truck, watching my sweet husband throw our week's worth of garbage into the landfill like any other Saturday morning. It was also there, that I prayed for her unborn child for the first time. Her life was messy, filled with alcohol, shame and sin. She watched her husband dig through the garbage looking for any scrap of goodness he could find to take home and use or, quite frankly, eat. Their lives were so much different then ours. We had a nice, lovely and warm home in a beautiful setting, they lived in a shack on the side of a stream without electricity or indoor plumbing. My prayer; Lord, what will ever happen to that poor child she carries? Lord, how will that child survive and what kind of life would it have? My heart ached for the family, but what could I do? You cannot interfere with the choices people make.

As I picked up the phone on a cold November morning, my thoughts were far from that spring morning several months previously. Yet, her words awoke in me a memory, a prayer, a moment! She asked if we would be willing to 'take' a little boy and be his foster parents for a season. He was tiny, sickly, his prognosis was fragile, but they needed a place, a home, for a period of time, until they could make some decisions or until he passed. 

In the days ahead, little JM came to live in our home. Yes, it was the baby of the couple, that I prayed for, at the landfill. Their lives had fallen apart. Alcohol, homelessness, jail, and legal issues had brought us to this day, the day he came to live with us. 

Over the next two years, little JM grew, learned, progressed, had numerous health issues, surprised us all, and after many legal battles, became ours forever.  On his 2 1/2 year birthday little JM, became MJC.

Through adoption and the love God had for a woman whose greatest desire was to have children, Matthew joined our family permanently and changed us forever and for the better. Adoption has always been special to me, even as a young girl. I couldn't explain why but I felt drawn to that word and the hope it offered.

Our Matthew has blessed our lives with Joy and laughter, he's far surpassed any of the expectations that were given for him. He lived and thrived and loved and fought. He's strong and independent and compassionate and determined!

I've never had children of birth, my own, so I can't say with certainty what that would be like, however I cannot imagine that I would love them any more or any differently than I love the two boys God has blessed me with through adoption. God's love for us, is the same. He chose us, adopted us into His loving arms and family. I can't imagine that He loves us any differently than Jesus! We are His!

And, although we were not and are not perfect, God, in His love, allowed Jesus to hang on a cross for our sin. Not once we became worthy or perfect, but while we were yet sinners, with messy lives and ugly stuff. I only understand that Love because of God and His Grace. 

In closing tonight, I say this!

Because God chose to love me and accept me and send Jesus to die for me while I was still a sinner, I am choosing to love and accept my Matthew while he is making choices that are breaking my heart. Choices that I do not understand or accept, and honestly, I may never understand or accept. But, I choose to love him and walk beside him, because that is what God has done for me. How can I do any less?

"For God So Loved The World, That He Gave JESUS"