But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8 (NASB)
It is not without apprehension that I begin this new blog.
It's writings will be raw and leave me vulnerable to criticism and questioning.
Yet, my heart is filled with it's own questions, seeking answers that may never come.
Therefore, tonight I begin with a bit of background, a peek into God's love and a story that began on the side of a landfill in the spring of 1985.
For it was there, sitting in a truck, watching my sweet husband throw our week's worth of garbage into the landfill like any other Saturday morning. It was also there, that I prayed for her unborn child for the first time. Her life was messy, filled with alcohol, shame and sin. She watched her husband dig through the garbage looking for any scrap of goodness he could find to take home and use or, quite frankly, eat. Their lives were so much different then ours. We had a nice, lovely and warm home in a beautiful setting, they lived in a shack on the side of a stream without electricity or indoor plumbing. My prayer; Lord, what will ever happen to that poor child she carries? Lord, how will that child survive and what kind of life would it have? My heart ached for the family, but what could I do? You cannot interfere with the choices people make.
As I picked up the phone on a cold November morning, my thoughts were far from that spring morning several months previously. Yet, her words awoke in me a memory, a prayer, a moment! She asked if we would be willing to 'take' a little boy and be his foster parents for a season. He was tiny, sickly, his prognosis was fragile, but they needed a place, a home, for a period of time, until they could make some decisions or until he passed.
In the days ahead, little JM came to live in our home. Yes, it was the baby of the couple, that I prayed for, at the landfill. Their lives had fallen apart. Alcohol, homelessness, jail, and legal issues had brought us to this day, the day he came to live with us.
Over the next two years, little JM grew, learned, progressed, had numerous health issues, surprised us all, and after many legal battles, became ours forever. On his 2 1/2 year birthday little JM, became MJC.
Through adoption and the love God had for a woman whose greatest desire was to have children, Matthew joined our family permanently and changed us forever and for the better. Adoption has always been special to me, even as a young girl. I couldn't explain why but I felt drawn to that word and the hope it offered.
Our Matthew has blessed our lives with Joy and laughter, he's far surpassed any of the expectations that were given for him. He lived and thrived and loved and fought. He's strong and independent and compassionate and determined!
I've never had children of birth, my own, so I can't say with certainty what that would be like, however I cannot imagine that I would love them any more or any differently than I love the two boys God has blessed me with through adoption. God's love for us, is the same. He chose us, adopted us into His loving arms and family. I can't imagine that He loves us any differently than Jesus! We are His!
And, although we were not and are not perfect, God, in His love, allowed Jesus to hang on a cross for our sin. Not once we became worthy or perfect, but while we were yet sinners, with messy lives and ugly stuff. I only understand that Love because of God and His Grace.
In closing tonight, I say this!
Because God chose to love me and accept me and send Jesus to die for me while I was still a sinner, I am choosing to love and accept my Matthew while he is making choices that are breaking my heart. Choices that I do not understand or accept, and honestly, I may never understand or accept. But, I choose to love him and walk beside him, because that is what God has done for me. How can I do any less?