Monday, January 11, 2016


The act of thinking deeply about something

This is one of my favorite photos
Of Matthew from about 4 years ago

We had just gone up north to
The Tonto National Forrest
And walked along the natural bridge
It had only been 10 months since Mark's passing

It was a healing and good day
When we got home
I took a few photos of him with my new camera
I was just playing around at the kitchen counter
He was so contemplative
I know what we had been talking about
And where his mind was

But now
I wonder about all he has held
Tightly in his thoughts for so many years

It's been a challenge
These days since September 21, 2015
Confusion seems to be my constant companion

Contemplation is where I am stuck
Thinking about life
How we arrived at this place
At this time
On this journey

I have yet to cry
A new friend suggested today
That I may still just be angry
I've yet to really feel the impact of Madi's choices
Maybe she is correct

Held tightly within me
A churning volcano ready to erupt
Deep within the bowels of my broken heart
 Steam just beginning to rise to the surface
Yes, anger is real

How do I navigate all that has been placed before me
How do I reconcile my reality and hers

To these questions
I have no answers

Yet, I will write this:
From this point forward
In an attempt to honor Madi's choices
Matthew will be known as Madi
And I will 'attempt' to use female pronouns when referring to her

For this I beg God's Grace
And your Prayers



  1. God will give you the grace you need - and you have my prayers.

  2. Stay even closer to our Abba God as you navigate these untraveled new paths....HE will light your way, give you words and hold you tightly when you need it the most - praying with you and Madi <3

  3. I will follow along -but I just don't do the networked blogs. Just happened to see this on FB. God bless you on your journey.

  4. I did not understand what this new journey you are on entailed. Now, I do. It is hard to accept when we've been asked to walk a path that, again, seems to blindside side us and throw us into that same place of utter dependency on God's grace and wisdom. I understand. Know that he has not abandoned you and still has a plan for your future, to bring good, not harm. Thinking of you often and holding you in prayer.

  5. Dear Cindy, you are in my prayers going forward. I know you are dealing with a mix of emotions. Just remember, God is there to lean on and will see you through this too.
    Sending you big hugs,xo

  6. I am so very proud of you. This is one of, if not the very, hardest steps - calling your child by another name, as I am all too aware. I'm also happy to see you writing your thoughts and feelings, as I truly believe it will help you tremendously. So often it is easier to put to paper what is very difficult to say aloud and I am proud of you for making this choice - even though I know there may come days when you still refuse or find it difficult to say "Madi". One hurdle at a time, Cindy. One hurdle at a time. Much love - Kellan

  7. Your post rings in my ears the words to a Twila Paris song I sang at reminds me of you, Cindy...."The warrior is a child". I admire you, Cindy.
    Love to you.